Dr. Tracy Brenner is a clinical psychologist. She is concerned about smartphone and social media use — by elementary school students.
She and other Greens Farms Elementary School parents — where her son is a 4th grader — were motivated to act, after hearing social psychologist Jonathan Haidt discuss his research on the effects of phones on childhood and mental health.
Brenner says, “His data is so sound, his research is so compelling, and his solutions are so completely doable that even skeptics among us would be convinced.
“He negates any opposition’s arguments, and offers solutions to improve the mental health of children. As parents and psychologists, we are totally on board and highly motivated to make change.”
(Click here to for Haidt’s podcast called “Smartphone Rewired Childhood. Here’s How to Fix It.” Click here for an article with the same title. Click here for his book, “The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness.”)
The letter to GFS 4th grade parents — co-signed by psychologists/parents Dr. Melissa Constantiner and Dr. Lauren Barnet, and over 20 other 4th grade parents — asks them to “unite as a grade, and pledge that we will wait until the end of 8th grade to give our kids smartphones, and until 16 years of age to allow social media.” (Click here to see the pledge.)
“GFS 5th grade parents made it happen,” the letter notes. “The other elementary schools are making a similar push to delay. Let’s be a part of the movement.”
Think about what can happen if the whole grade comes together!” Brenner says.
“Parents often end up giving in to their child’s request for a smartphone long before they feel they are ready, because they fear their child will be left out socially, the only one without one,” she adds.
“If we all band together and say ‘not yet,’ peer pressure is no longer an issue.
Children use smartphones at ever-younger ages.
“Furthermore, for parents who still want their child to have a communication device, both Haidt’s research and ‘Wait Until 8th’ suggest many alternatives to smartphones that don’t carry the same risks.
“Let’s prioritize children’s mental health, not be deterred by their disappointment, and support each other in weathering the storm of complaints.”
Haidt says, “any community that adopts those 4 norms, I can almost guarantee that the rates of mental illness will come down in 1-2 years.”
Besides no smartphones before high school and no social media before age 16, Haidt’s concepts include phone-free schools, and “more independence, free play and responsibility in the real world.”
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Unsure how to talk with your child about smartphones? Dr. Brenner offers these tips:
● If you have already indicated that a smartphone was coming sooner:
Try: “I know that we said we thought x grade would be the time we would give you a smartphone. We are learning more and more each day about how they are truly harmful to kids’ health and well-being. Our #1 job as parents is to keep you safe. Just like I wouldn’t let you ride in a car without a seatbelt, I wouldn’t be doing my job as a parent to hand over a device that I know to be harmful.”
Add empathy and validation: “I’m sure that you are disappointed (angry, etc.). I totally get that, and you are absolutely allowed to be mad at us.”
Plus a clear boundary: “But just like we wouldn’t change our decision-making if you were angry at us for not letting you eat ice cream for breakfast, we are not going to change our decision about this because you are upset.”
● If your child protests because their siblings got phones earlier than the end of 8th grade:
Try: “I know your older brother was given a phone at the end of 5th grade. The cool thing about research and science is we are always learning new things. We just didn’t know as much about the negative impact of smartphones on kids then as we do now. So while this may feel unfair, and trust me, I get it, if I had the information then that I have now, I would have made the same decision.” (Insert empathy and validation lines!)
Greens Farms Elementary School parents tackle a modern issue. (Photo/Seth Schachter)
● If your child asks, “well what’s so bad and dangerous anyway?”:
Do the research, and give the information! Click here for Jonathan Haidt’s stats:
Try something like: “Cell phone use has been linked to problems with sleep, attention, academic performance, less time spent with friends but also can change how you feel, it can make kids and teens feel more sad, lonely and worried.”
● When your child says, “you’re the worst parent ever, everyone else is getting one.”:
Try: “I understand that you feel like I’m the worst and you’re really mad at me. This is something you’ve wanted for a while and I’m saying ‘no.’ That doesn’t feel good. I get that you’re worried you’ll be the only one without a phone. It’s scary to feel left out.
“The good news is that GFS parents are all united in this and supporting each other, because we all agree our kids’ health and well-being comes first. So no, you’re not the only one without a phone. At least not in our community.
If they have camp friends, outside of school friends etc,) say, “Let’s think of other ways that don’t include a smartphone to keep you connected to your friends outside of school.”
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Setting aside for a moment the irony of that remark — We do not use phones to make phone calls — it was a profound moment for me. I realized how different communication is these days.
In today’s lonely, disconnected world, one-on-one phone conversations can be “warm, rich and exciting.” They are “powerful skills that can last a lifetime.”
