A few years ago, when I was coaching the Staples High School boys soccer team, we headed to Maine for our annual summer “bonding trip.”
I drove one car; a recent graduate drove the second one. Along the way, I watched in the rear view mirror as he took a wrong exit.
“Call their car!” I said to the player riding shotgun.
“I’ll text,” he replied.
“No, call. It’s quicker!” I said.
“Dan, we don’t call,” he countered. “We text.”
Setting aside for a moment the irony of that remark — We do not use phones to make phone calls — it was a profound moment for me. I realized how different communication is these days.
And how much has been lost by a generation that does not like to talk, in real time, person to person.
Or — to go further, as Nola Beldegreen does — by a generation that actually fears speaking on the phone.
She should know. The longtime Westporter and an executive coach, she specializes in speaking and communication skills.
Nola has noticed the strong aversion by Generation Z — roughly those ages 12 to 27 — to phone calls. A recent New York Post story says:
The very thought of making a call is often accompanied by a sense of dread and impending failure for some.
Most subject matter experts believe this apprehension to phone calls is associated with social anxiety. Social anxiety stems from the fear of judgment or humiliation.
Gen Z uses phones for many things. A phone conversation is not one of them.
Texting and using apps such as Snapchat prevents mistakes from being made. Texting allows Gen Z to proofread and keep track of their conversation.
Texting also gives them time to respond appropriately without awkward silences and prevents any unforeseen mishaps. This eliminates chances of being judged or humiliated.
Texting is also quicker. It allows Gen Zers to quickly send off a text and walk away while waiting for a response.
Texting allows multi-tasking, whereas phone calls mean focusing your whole attention to what is happening on the line.
So Nola — who was an interscholastic forensics competitor at Rutgers University, Dale Carnegie instructor, and Glamour and Gourmet Magazine sales and events person — has added young people with phone anxiety to her roster of executives and sales teams who need communication coaching.
Her own “aha!” moment came at a meeting with 2 young people, both of whom were silent. She realized that although they sat together, they were texting each other — not talking.
Reiterating the Post article, Nola believes that removing a screen — FaceTime, Zoom, or text bubbles — creates anxiety in young people.
Spoken conversations are not part of Gen Z’s “daily repertoire,” she says.
“People get nervous. ‘What should I say?’ they ask. You can edit text. You’re not on the spot with having to respond immediately. If you’re not conditioned to that, it can be daunting.”
One client was stressed just calling for a haircut appointment.
Nola and I remember our own phone conversations.
“Hello, Mrs. Welker,” I’d say. “Can I please speak with Glenn?”
“He’s finishing his chores,” she’d say. “I’ll get him in a minute. How are you doing, Danny?”
Today’s young people did not grow up having those types of conversations with people they don’t know well. They feel uncomfortable talking on the phone — and their fears extend to speaking with their own peers.
But those types of conversations are important in both the professional and personal world. So Nola helps Gen Z-ers learn to have them.
In 6 sessions, she teaches clients how to initiate and receive phone calls with ease. That means organizing thoughts and ideas, then “sharing them extemporaneously, back and forth.”
Each session builds on the previous one. She likens her work to a personal trainer, who helps build biceps or quads.
Phones used to be located in specific places: kitchens, bedrooms, offices.
Now they are mobile. Calling or answering in a crowded, public place can add to anxiety. That’s “not good for mental health,” Nola says.
In today’s lonely, disconnected world, one-on-one phone conversations can be “warm, rich and exciting.” They are “powerful skills that can last a lifetime.”
So how does Nola work with clients?
Some of it, ironically, is by Zoom.
But many of those conversations are by phone. Like any fear, the best way to overcome it is to face it.
And where do most of her clients come from?
You guessed it.
Word of mouth.
(To learn more about Nola Beldegreen, click here. You can email her: nola@nolabeldegreen.com. And — of course — you can call by phone: 212-381-0856,)
I guess this is good news for Zero Population Growth.
Fantastic insight into Gen Z!
She’s on the right track . I insist on talking to my grandchildren on the phone.. no texting!
I remember when my gen Zer was in HS she got anxiety making a call for take out or delivery. We kept insisting that she practice calling and not ordering on line so she could practice. She was NOT happy about it. She does have anxiety, but it’s gotten better and she does well at work in presentations, phone calls and zoom calls. We didn’t realize it was a whole generation back then when we were dealing with this, but glad we kept encouraging her to practice with calling for reservations and food delivery/takeout. It definitely has helped her with public speaking and her career.
I dunno, in your shoes, I might alternate texting & phone.
Texting is not without its upsides, imho.
P. S. I was born in 1953.
Taylor Swift can provide a remedy
This is such important work. Human connection is everything. Thanks for the insightful article. Great work Nora B!
I highly recommend Nola’s services. She has assisted my daughter and my niece with great success.
What an important story and thanks for bringing this issue forward. I don’t text and am amazed by how many older people (70+) only text due to their children communicating that way.
Right now.. in DC… Senator Graham is grilling Jason Citron, Mark Zuckerberg and three others . Graham is saying there’s no regulations and tech companies need to be reined in. Shou Chew is there too from TikTok. My suggestion to kids is get rid of social media and don’t text messages unless it’s absolutely necessary. I’ll be 77 in a few months and have never used social media. I’ve sent text messages to my adult children, but that’s it.
We can discuss comunications among Gen Z’ers today as we should. Why because our world and well being today is being now affected by so many young people who have not learned how to socialize. The root of this problem comes from the parents and the others who make no real concious effort to improve and institute real conversation and discussion in their own family, friends and aquaintences. Can’t fix a problem like this without profound changes. Stop so much texting and start talking and listening. Society as we know it should be will be slowly destroyed without this! JMHO
Here’s the next problem, if I may stray slightly off topic. Fanduel, Draft Kings, and Bet MGM. These betting apps are going to lead to financial problems for some, and probably, eventually a Super Bowl team or baseball playoff team throwing a game for profit. It’ll be Pete Rose on steroids!
To be fair to these younger folks, while I’m a lot older than Gen Z, I also don’t like talking on the phone but that’s mostly because I’m misanthropic. Today most of my calls are to a businesses customer service which means talking to worthless bots or polite but unhelpful overseas reps.
I’m sure much of the anxiety Gen Z’ers feel is in part due to being raised with helicopter parents, participation trophies and social media bullying which would sap the self esteem from anyone regardless of their generation. Good for Nola in figuring out this niche need but it’s kind of sad that she has to.
And yet, here comes Gen Alpha… It’s amazing to read this and think about how different just a few years in age and technology makes.
Our younger kids who came home from school during Covid in 1st and 3rd grade actually discovered talking to friends “on the phone” by calling on their screens. Being so young (not keyboard ready) we watched the evolution of the phone call for this group coming up behind Gen Z.
Where we (Gen X) remembered our tween/teen years of being lucky enough to have “a phone in our room” (the cobra “tabletop” – conair transparent phone – Garfield phone… ahh loved them all) These young kids had our cell phones, chrome books from school, iPads, old half broken laptops, anything eventually- ringing, with other kids excitedly on the other end looking to “play.” During Covid lockdown these calls were a lifesaver. Using Google meet, FaceTime or whatever we could scramble to get them connected to each other on.
The kids would light up with excitement when a friend was calling. Sometimes one on one- then it would grow. Finding ourselves with 6+ kids “in the house” talking, shouting, laughing- It took some getting used to. (Having an open mic to multiple households keeps you on your toes.) And so it was… this brand new alpha generation that was throttled into a new world of little kid conference calls.
In calls now they mostly have their screens “off” – black with a logo or blurred and use the device (ie: ipad) as a group speaker phone while they play together in the same games (Minecraft- Roblox etc) or watch a show/ video online (Mark Rober was a big hit during covid)
It’s amazing to see- the iPad rings now I ask, “who is that calling?” I sometimes get a name- though other times it’s, “Mom – what are you talking about, ‘who is that? it’s GC, like 12 kids’” And I’m reminded that I have no idea. Though yeah- getting them off the phone for dinner, well- that’s about the same as what i remember from when we were kids.
Technology and covid has changed our social landscape in ways we’re trying to understand and won’t fully realize for years. I’m so thankful for people like Nola – to recognize these needs and to be there to help our kids. The anxiety is real and lasting and ever-changing tech is different for different individuals and age groups. But small bright spot- I love at least for now, that these younger kids are talking, playing, arguing and laughing together with their friends in ways we never did.
I fear this stuff may be re-wiring our neural pathways in some undetectable way. And it’s happening all over the world too.
As someone else mentioned above, there are upsides here, but overall, the diversion of direct human communication would seem to bode ill for our future.
A I and non verbal speech is taking over the world. The real world is dying. I don’t think this can be overcome
one of the greatest influencers to todays youth is Taylor Swift. She has the ability to influence and change behavior. If she would encourage the teens to text less and call friends and family would be an incredible game changer. In politics Taylor Swift is incredibly powerful and loved by the youth. Trump and republicans are petrified by Taylor.
In 2020, Swift on her Instagram account asked that her followers should vote. In one day almost 36,000 new voters registered to vote!
Taylor swift for vice president
I’m with Mr. Duquette. I never answer my phone unless I know who it is and I text with my daughter sparingly.
When I want to reach my son…….
Forget Calling
Forget Emailing
Forget popping over
Text …and hope the phone isn’t out of juice.
Love it . . .
Ah, the “average” teenager in the USA “reads” 9 minutes a day. As the ole adage goes: “formal education went out the window with the invention of the television set.”