“06880” culture correspondent Robin Moyer Chung writes:
Westport has a high rate of marriage — around 66% of the population. And when there are marriages, there are divorces.
Let’s begin with a question to married people: Why do you not invite your single friends to dinners and parties? Almost every single person mentioned this invitation situation.
“You just lost your marriage and now you have lost your friends,” one woman said.
“A very good friend told me casually over lunch about the 50th birthday party she had at her house just weeks before. We’ve been friends for years,” added another.
“I threw so many dinner parties, went to so many. Suddenly I was only invited to girls’ nights.”
Single men shrug it off, assuming their old “couple” friends align with their ex-wives.
One man, whose “social life evaporated” after his divorce, said, “I think many of the wives actually forbade their husbands from socializing with me.”
Why is this? Fear that divorce is contagious? Fear of odd numbers?
In lieu of invitations, married people eagerly offer their single friends advice about divorce, when to have sex and with whom, and how to improve dating profiles.
One person said, “I find that married women are sort of fascinated with the single life. Fascinated and scared by it.”
Westport is a couple’s town. It can be felt pretty much everywhere.
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Westport is a couple’s town … from proposal (she said yes!) to social life after the wedding. (Photo/Sunil Hirani)
At a restaurant, a woman and her children were seated at a high-top with one empty chair. After a long wait she asked a waiter for service. He said he’d been waiting for her husband to arrive.
“I think businesses around here could do a better job at making single women feel welcome,” she told me.
Another woman recalls a friend telling her: No offense, but my husband and I have been married 35 years, and its been great.
“I’m like, why would that be offensive?”
Loneliness is a familiar chorus. I heard, “A lot of things have changed, and it’s much lonelier,” “I think being single here, it is very lonely,” and parties and weddings are tough because “you don’t have an anchor.”
Of course, a few concede they also felt alone when they were married.
Women tend to feel more isolated than men. Men who work outside of town have more opportunity for outings and entertainment than women who work closer to home.
A surprising number of men meet other women while they’re still married; it’s often the catalyst for finally leaving a troubled marriage. But none that I spoke with met at a dinner party.
Which brings us to dating.
Dating is fun. Even when it’s bad it’s fun, because who doesn’t love a crazy dating story?
Finding dateable people is always tricky, but Westport can be “claustrophobic.”
Singles scenes at bars have not been as robust since COVID. Still, there are options.
The Spotted Horse used to be the go-to for determined singles on Thursday nights. Now it’s, well, not. One visit revealed a sedate crowd; a second pop-in, a corporate get-together.
Nômade is a “soft launch” bar, without the faint aggression of a singles scene. People tend to come in groups and, hopefully, mingle. Fridays and Saturdays are best for meeting people, and the crowd is typically respectful and well-mannered. (But women: You need to be a bit less shy.)
The Black Duck is a good option if you’re looking for a buzz and a hook-up. However, be wary of the person slipping you their phone number; they may be married.
Black Duck bar.
Gold Coast Connect meetings are for making business connections. Yet as they skitter through the evening, they become less business and more connect.
Dating apps: ugh. Pretty much everyone has tried one. Pretty much everyone hates them. “They’re a nightmare” is a common refrain.
Okay, they’re not always a nightmare. A number of singles have met “nice” people on them. Westport men have better luck with apps, in part because they tend to date women 10 to 15 years younger, so they swim in a larger dating pool.
Sadly, for every decent match there are hundreds of people trying to catfish, gold dig, ghost, insult, and ask for naked photos.
Nômade is also popular with singles. (Photo/Robin Moyer Chung)
A lot of non-single people suggest singles should volunteer, join clubs, take classes, and do stuff like that.
But no one I interviewed met people (other than friends) in those capacities. Of course, that doesn’t mean it can’t happen.
In sum, it isn’t easy being single in Westport.
In fairness, it’s not always easy being married, either.
If it were, there would be far fewer single people.
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