“06880” culture correspondent Robin Moyer Chung writes:
Westport has a high rate of marriage — around 66% of the population. And when there are marriages, there are divorces.
Let’s begin with a question to married people: Why do you not invite your single friends to dinners and parties? Almost every single person mentioned this invitation situation.
“You just lost your marriage and now you have lost your friends,” one woman said.
“A very good friend told me casually over lunch about the 50th birthday party she had at her house just weeks before. We’ve been friends for years,” added another.
“I threw so many dinner parties, went to so many. Suddenly I was only invited to girls’ nights.”
Single men shrug it off, assuming their old “couple” friends align with their ex-wives.
One man, whose “social life evaporated” after his divorce, said, “I think many of the wives actually forbade their husbands from socializing with me.”
Why is this? Fear that divorce is contagious? Fear of odd numbers?
In lieu of invitations, married people eagerly offer their single friends advice about divorce, when to have sex and with whom, and how to improve dating profiles.
One person said, “I find that married women are sort of fascinated with the single life. Fascinated and scared by it.”
Westport is a couple’s town. It can be felt pretty much everywhere.
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Westport is a couple’s town … from proposal (she said yes!) to social life after the wedding. (Photo/Sunil Hirani)
At a restaurant, a woman and her children were seated at a high-top with one empty chair. After a long wait she asked a waiter for service. He said he’d been waiting for her husband to arrive.
“I think businesses around here could do a better job at making single women feel welcome,” she told me.
Another woman recalls a friend telling her: No offense, but my husband and I have been married 35 years, and its been great.
“I’m like, why would that be offensive?”
Loneliness is a familiar chorus. I heard, “A lot of things have changed, and it’s much lonelier,” “I think being single here, it is very lonely,” and parties and weddings are tough because “you don’t have an anchor.”
Of course, a few concede they also felt alone when they were married.
Women tend to feel more isolated than men. Men who work outside of town have more opportunity for outings and entertainment than women who work closer to home.
A surprising number of men meet other women while they’re still married; it’s often the catalyst for finally leaving a troubled marriage. But none that I spoke with met at a dinner party.
Which brings us to dating.
Dating is fun. Even when it’s bad it’s fun, because who doesn’t love a crazy dating story?
Finding dateable people is always tricky, but Westport can be “claustrophobic.”
Singles scenes at bars have not been as robust since COVID. Still, there are options.
The Spotted Horse used to be the go-to for determined singles on Thursday nights. Now it’s, well, not. One visit revealed a sedate crowd; a second pop-in, a corporate get-together.
Nômade is a “soft launch” bar, without the faint aggression of a singles scene. People tend to come in groups and, hopefully, mingle. Fridays and Saturdays are best for meeting people, and the crowd is typically respectful and well-mannered. (But women: You need to be a bit less shy.)
The Black Duck is a good option if you’re looking for a buzz and a hook-up. However, be wary of the person slipping you their phone number; they may be married.
Black Duck bar.
Gold Coast Connect meetings are for making business connections. Yet as they skitter through the evening, they become less business and more connect.
Dating apps: ugh. Pretty much everyone has tried one. Pretty much everyone hates them. “They’re a nightmare” is a common refrain.
Okay, they’re not always a nightmare. A number of singles have met “nice” people on them. Westport men have better luck with apps, in part because they tend to date women 10 to 15 years younger, so they swim in a larger dating pool.
Sadly, for every decent match there are hundreds of people trying to catfish, gold dig, ghost, insult, and ask for naked photos.
Nômade is also popular with singles. (Photo/Robin Moyer Chung)
A lot of non-single people suggest singles should volunteer, join clubs, take classes, and do stuff like that.
But no one I interviewed met people (other than friends) in those capacities. Of course, that doesn’t mean it can’t happen.
In sum, it isn’t easy being single in Westport.
In fairness, it’s not always easy being married, either.
If it were, there would be far fewer single people.
(“06880” covers every aspect of Westport life. If you enjoy stories like this — or any others — please click here to support our work. Thank you!)
In my family, my aunts and uncles met at church events and going to the same church every week .I would suggest that might still be a good place to meet people.
Amazed Robin did not mention the main reason divorced woman are excluded from couples’ social gatherings: The women consider them a threat to their marriage!
Sixty-five years ago, my newly divorced mother told me that. The three couples she and my father buddied around with had closed their gates to her. Not because my father was inside. No, one woman told her frankly: We don’t want you after our husbands. Naturally my mother was the prettiest of the bunch. And eventually found her own.
After growing up in Westport and raising my children in Westport – when my 30 year marriage (which included a lot of parties!) ended I moved to Manhattan and started a new life. It seemed like the only way forward. Sixteen years later I’m happy to say it’s working out great.
Truth! I’ve never felt so out of place being single in Westport. From eating out to yoga class, odd ball out! Good luck single ladies!
I just remembered something. Dan Woog did a story a few years back about a woman named Jill and she had a dating service and I remember “JillinIt.” I think she lived in Norwalk. She was a wonderful person. Maybe Dan can provide the link to her story.
You have a very good memory, Jack!
https://06880danwoog.com/2024/01/29/in-post-covid-singles-world-matchmaker-is-jillin-it/
Thanks for the mention Jack and Dan! Jillin’ It Matchmaking is thriving and has quietly connected at least a dozen of those Westport couples at dinner parties over the last 5 years. I work privately with singles in CT and NY and am responsible for countless happy endings, marriages, LTRs and even some babies. Get in touch at http://www.Jillinit.com.
I do think you should broaden your article Scope… some of us have never been married. I am 45, have an amazing son at GFS, an active member of the community and have not once been divorced. Or married.
I agree that yes I too have found insecure women don’t invite me/my son around BUT there are a lot of confident fun amazing women here and my social life is full. I don’t go out at night because I have a seven year old who wake up early BUT westport is super fun and beautiful. I’d rather be a solo mom here than anywhere else! Being single has so many blessings!
Great article, although it’s about heterosexual singles. I’d love to hear how gay and lesbian singles fare in Westport. It’s pretty dismal everywhere else.
I want thank Robin and Dan for bringing Robin to help you out she does great work wonderful article Robin I am here to talk about anything downtown or anything else
Interesting story. The Atlantic had a similar piece 1 October online.
Why Americans Stopped Throwing Dinner Parties, The share of adults who say they regularly have friends over has declined dramatically since 1975.
I saw a podcast that had discussed the death of the dinner party. It is down 70% over the last 30 years. Be a couples be a singles, whatever the case may be. I recall as a youngster growing up in Westport dinner party gatherings would happen all the time
If you want to know where FFC’s finest single (and wish they were single again) can be found, look no further than Dandelion. Being married won’t deter anyone there
I’m surprised Robin didn’t mention it.
I remember growing up there in the 60’s and 70’s, there was a vibrant dinner and gathering/party scene amongst the parents in town. There was some sort of activity every non-work evening (including holidays) at someone’s house and sometimes downtown on Broadway or some dinner club. Not sure if it’s as active now as it was then, but I’ve not seen that level of community interaction since (and I’ve lived in NYC, DC, LA, Paris and others).
It’s terrible when two people get married, have a child or two, and then the husband leaves his wife to raise the kids on her own and work. If the kids are under 10 years old, it effects them for the rest of their lives.This has happened on both sides of my family and I think in the vast majority of cases, it’s the males that go.They’re selfish and don’t realize how much they hurt their kids. I could give many examples, but I won’t.
Everyone in the photo at the black duck is happily married or in a committed relationship. Myself being one of them, and my husband is in the photo also. You should really get permission before posting photos of strangers on the internet claiming it’s a “singles bar”.
My (late) parents belonged to the Patterson Club from early 1960’s to when they divorced ,1975..(They were both then Avid golfers, my dad ,Frank Pomerantz, competed in club championship tournaments ,etc) After their divorce, my mom then continued golf there ,until Patterson Club then (basically) told her:’We do not encourage divorced ,’loose’ women on the golf course’. My mom, then pretty outraged at this-(she eventually decided to move on, withdrew her PC membership, and eventually happily married a ‘non-golfer’.’)Not sure if other area country clubs back then thought the same as Patterson Club.