It’s a rite of passage: Young people go off to college.
As the last one does, their parents have their own milestone: They become empty nesters.
Do they celebrate? Mourn? Do both?
“06880” culture correspondent Robin Moyer Chung is one of Westport’s newest empty nesters. She writes:
Last Thursday, I moved my youngest child to the University of Utah, roughly 11 hours door-to-door when factoring in flight delays.
To keep myself occupied, and because misery loves company, I threw myself into an unscientific research project: What is it like to be an empty nester?
Robin Moyer Chung and True Chung at the University of Utah.
Personally, I’m freaked out by the prospect of rattling around my home of 20 years by myself. I rummage through drawers, pulling out kids’ games that haven’t been opened in 12 years and plastic bags full of broken seashells with their names scrawled in black marker.
Everything hits hard now that it’s over.
Unlike so many other life transitions — graduations, birthdays, funerals — there is no ceremony or celebration, no group therapy or organization. It’s just walking into your home and realizing your family is no longer there, a sort of “The most important part of your life is over” meets “Welcome to your twilight years.”
Gail, Kate and John Coykendall at Southern Methodist University.
For a few, it’s sweet liberty. “I embrace it all,” notes one mom. “I think I’m the only one who loved it!” adds another.
For many, however, it’s heartbreaking.
One mom summed it up: “I did not realize how much grief I would feel when my son left for college. We prepare them for this day, but I don’t think moms are prepared enough.”
While seasoned “parentes relicti” assure us the flown will fly back, the biggest question is: Who will they be when they do? Will the kid alighting on the perch be the same one who left?
Well, no.
Mattias and Christina Basler at the US Military Academy.
“The hardest part for me isn’t that they left for college, but knowing the chapter with them ‘growing up’ and living full-time at home has closed,” one mom explains.
While their childhood chapter closes, a lousy chapter often opens for the parents: loneliness.
The kids are gone, along with their social infrastructure. No more seeing parents and kids at soccer games and tournaments, no more grouping with other adults to build sets for musicals, no more raising money for choir concert tours. Happily or not, you’re expunged from the public-school email lists.
Parents celebrate their kids, before prom.
Lisa Stretton started a Facebook group last year, “Westport Moms: Embracingthe Empty Nest,” as a resource for those newly initiated into the fray. “We’re not old enough for the Senior center, there’s really no place for us,” she says. Her page offers entertainment and connection — a welcome diversion from an empty home.
While it stings for almost everyone, stay-at-home moms and single parents seem to feel it more acutely.
A widower admits, “I lost my wife, then my kids went to college. Now I have to reinvent myself.”
A single mother writes of her daughter: “All those years of having her to care for, and then nothing. My purpose was gone. I had a little bit of a breakdown and wanted to die a bit.”
Lila Greifenberger and her roommate, at Indiana University.
Alison Dorfman, founder of The College & Dorm Corner, recently posted a message that went viral: “College drop-off season: when fully functioning adults start crying in completely inappropriate places.”
As for me, a single and, more or less, stay-at-home mom, I feel anxious and untethered. But writing this article has helped keep me busy and focused on something other than my kids.
Which, of course, is the point.
(Your kids may be gone. But “06880” is here for you, 24/7/365. If you appreciate stories like this — or anything else on our hyper-local blog — please click here to support our work. Thank you!)
It is important to make sure you do something for you when you become an empty nester. Even for those of us who work, we need to do something that makes us feel useful! Whether it is writing an article to help others feel less alone or volunteering to help others or finding a passion you didn’t know you had. Therefore, try different things and see how they make you feel.
I know exactly how these parents feel because we went through the same thing with our two kids, but that wasn’t the end of the story. After both kids graduated and got Masters
degrees, they both got jobs in Washington DC, so eventually it was bye bye Palm Beach and hello Maryland. So now we’re living close to our kids and 5 grandkids. That’s one reason I’d never move back to Florida or Connecticut. So empty nesters, it may not be the end game you’re experiencing!
Good article.
Timely.
Thanks Dan.
Just a quick mention of what could just be a throwaway line. “We’re not old enough for the Senior Center; there’s really no place for us,” she says. The town has another group that might be a better fit for empty nesters looking to give back. The Westport Women’s Club is a great organization: “MAKING A DIFFERENCE EVERY DAY. THANK YOU TO OUR VOLUNTEERS!” https://www.westportwomansclub.org/
I am a new empty nester. I look forward to participating in the activities of Westport Moms: Embracing the Empty Nest. I am also active in a non-partisan group committed to empowering voters and protecting our democracy, The League of Women Voters of Westport. We are an active and growing co-ed community of 90+ members. We plan and participate in a wide range of social, community engagement and volunteer opportunities. LWVWestport.org or email us at lwvwestportct@yahoo.com. The next event is this Sunday, September 6 – A Day in the Life of Westport. We are also hosting a forum on September 23rd at (6pm – reception and 7pm – panel) at the Library and debates on October 13 (town hall) and October 19 (library) for the candidates on the ballot this November. It is a great and easy way to stay active.
Dear new empty nesters, please count your blessings. A whole world of new experiences is awaiting you. Volunteering, hosting a young person from another country, learning a new skill. Change is opportunity for growth. Your precious ones will be back, they will have grown and changed and so will you. Wishing you good luck.
I knew that I would have to respond when I read the first line about leaving their youngest at the University of Utah. Our oldest went to The University of Utah and graduated. Our Younger son stayed closed to home at the University of Texas but still not close to home. It is hard to let go but they are on their way to do great things. You, the parents will also grow and develop. Smile, at some point there may be grandchildren to spoil. I am really pleased to read about all the opportunities available to empty nesters today that were not available when we first joined the club.
Now that I’m an empty nester I can return to Westport and spend my free time commenting on how far this town has sunk (since I left the nest)
Eric, You’re more likely to sell an oceanfront house in Kansas than convince the people in Westport nowadays that the town was much better 50, 60 or 70 years ago. Obviously the new library is much better than the old one, but I’ll retreat from any other comment.
Jack,
This is just my opinion: The “New Library” has been a career builder for everyone but true scholars and a benefit to everyone except stressed out people or pressure cooked students who just want to curl up with a good book or research a term paper so you don’t flunk out of Staples (like I almost did).The problem can be expressed in a two word phrase I was warned about at Quantico OCS/MCB: “Mission Creep.” Compare the Westport Library to Pequot and you’ll see a restatement of the age-old truth “Money isn’t Everything.” I’ll say the same about the YMCA and Camp Mahackeno. I hope this is my last comment but “The hits just keep on coming” (in Westport. If they’ve got the beer, I’ve got the time.
Sorry, Eric, but you’re 100% wrong on this one.
The “new” (nearly 10 years old now) library is many things, to many people. You can find just about anything there, from lectures and classes and art and video and a recording studio and “things” to check out and a cafe and — of course — books and magazines.
High school kids LOVE it. They feel welcomed there, and hang out quite a bit, both in the Forum and in individual meeting rooms. The library opens early during exam periods, so they can study there — and they even provide snacks.
I’m not sure why you find it a target, but you need to spend time there to see how beloved it is. The Pequot Library is also fantastic — as it has been for decades.
Your comments about the Y (a true community center) and Mahackeno (as popular now as in your day) are equally baffling.
No need to respond here. I don’t want to get into a long back and forth. But maybe actually visit the places you’re talking about, before throwing stones from hundreds of miles away.
Dan,
One of the reasons I am so fond of you is that you make me think. I’m a great thinker (and always have been) but you provide the catalyst that makes me an even better thinker. I didn’t think that was possible, but you’ve proven me wrong.
Westport is full of “empty suits” that worship only money and possessions. Thank God you’re not one of them.
Respectfully,
Eric
Mr. Backiel, why do you feel your opinion or insights about the long ago days of Westport are of any value or interest to readers of this blog?
Like many other contributors, you’re going to need a chiropractor for a neck adjustment from all the looking back you all do.
Hi Amika,
Thanks!!!
You just made my point more succinctly and eloquently than I ever could. I would encourage you to have Dan (Woog, not Katz) do a featurette on your philosophies and lifestyle. I’m sure we would all benefit.
Amika, Four people I knew from 1957 to 1961 have told me “ you wouldn’t like Westport now.” One told me the last time I visited “ I can’t wait to leave here.” So this is coming from people who knew Westport back in the day, and are either still in town or in a bordering town. So these people are comparing Westport from 60 years ago to what it’s like now. To make a legitimate comparison, you had to have known the town in both time periods., Also, 60 years ago, you didn’t drive on the Post Road and see 60 For Sale and For Rent signs, like Dan posted one time. This is just a snippet of what I could write.
I’m a few years younger than Jack, but I remember much of the “old” Westport. We’ve lost a lot of that — but we’ve gained much more.
I don’t want to get into a long back-and-forth here. I don’t have time, and I’d much rather look ahead than backward. But I will point out that for every loss (bowling alley, mini-golf, movie theaters, mom-and-pop stores, cozy homes) there have been great new additions (restaurants, parks, upgraded recreational facilities, modern high school and YMCA,, MoCA, Levitt Pavilion, etc.).
We’ve lost socioeconomic diversity, and that’s bad. We’ve gained racial and ethnic diversity, and that’s good. We’ve lost the old Saugatuck, and cleaned up the oil tanks that lined the Saugatuck River. We’ve lost some of the freedoms kids had, and gained a better understanding of the alcohol and other abuse that sometimes goes on behind closed doors. We’ve lost kids playing catch in the back yard, and gained massive sports opportunities for girls.
And on and on. I am not a big fan of the new architecture. I am a fan of the young families that are moving in. They are energetic and smart. They want to be part of a community. They are leading the town into the future.
We have a thriving Farmers’ Market, Y’s Men, Y’s Women and 2 Rotary Clubs. StartUp Westport is an astonishing organization, full of excitement, and economic and creative process.
As I said, I don’t want this to become a long conversation. I don’t have time for that.
“06880” should offer an occasional look back at the past, so current residents can see where the town came from. It’s a chance too for people who lived here decades ago (some of whom still do) to remember the past.
But we can’t be beholden to long-ago Westport. We should not look at it with rose-colored glasses — any more than we should look at the Westport of 2026 with either disdain, or a feeling of smug satisfaction.
The Westport of decades ago was a work in progress. So is today’s Westport. That’s what life is all about. Embrace it!
I basically left Westport 33 years ago. But 70 years ago I met someone and we became close friends. Then we didn’t communicate much for years. But this person had an extremely, extremely close, intimate connection to Westport for decades!! I can’t get more specific, but he would know people who comment here! When he told me a few years ago that I wouldn’t like Westport, that’s all I needed to hear. He could know Westport better than anyone who ever commented on this blog! He told me I wouldn’t like the Westport now!
Interesting exchange of thoughts. I think as one gets older or OLD, you look back at the good ole days. And growing up in Westport circa 1953, they were good times with a ton of things to do, especially for kids. We had fun. Not sure that is as prevalent now as then? A note about the empty nest syndrome. We weren’t two hours out of Dallas dropping off my youngest at SMU when the cell phone started ringing and kept so for the first semester.
Scooter, Did you read my last comment? You know this guy.
Has the guy heard of 1-800-GO-U-Haul? It’s not that hard to leave Westport if someone doesn’t like it, particularly if they’ve been in town for a while.
As for the 3-comment-per-thread limit … well …
Dan’s got it on this. Nostalgia (certainly including my own) has a habit of ignoring all of the accomplishments of the present together with all of the failings of the past. Every generation of Westporters in our family ultimately longed for the Westport of 40 years earlier – – – while at the same time taking full advantage of all of it’s current accomplishments. I imagine this is the same for every town everywhere.