May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Each week, Timothy Schmutte — a Westport resident, clinical psychologist and assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the Yale School of Medicine — and his wife Elenee Argentinis will address a different mental health issue that impacts Westporters.
This week, they focus on parents, when children need help. Names and details have been modified, to protect privacy. Timothy and Elenee write:
When a child or teenager struggles with mental health issues, their parents also face challenges.
Although most parents find raising a child to be rewarding and enjoyable all or most of the time, parenthood is also tiring and stressful, which can bring on or worsen existing mental health issues.
In fact, being a parent increases the risk of depression and anxiety, as described in a recent Surgeon General report. Parent stress levels are 50% higher than non-parents’ levels.
But it is important to highlight that parents often benefit from individual support when their child faces mental health challenges.
Families are an interconnected system. Speaking with a therapist separately, even when your child is initiating therapy, can be helpful for both you and your child.
When a child has challenges, adults can talk with therapists too.
Not only can you learn how to support your child’s recovery, but you may also have grief to process, frustration to express, and worry to manage privately as your family navigates a difficult time. Directly engaging with a therapist to learn more effective coping skills can help kids recover faster — and help parents feel empowered.
A practical example is Benji, a 10-year-old who had stopped going to school. During COVID, he started developing separation anxiety, which intensified over the years. What started with returning to his parents’ bed to sleep became insisting that his parents be nearby during sports practice, resisting play dates at friends’ homes, and finally refusing to ride the school bus.
By the time Benji’s mother called for help, she was exhausted from round-the-clock care. She was also desperate, as administrators were pushing to transfer Benji to a specialized therapeutic school due to multiple absences.
Benji’s mental health care required his mom to have her own sessions to help her cope with the stress of the situation, and teach her a parent-based approach for Benji’s separation anxiety and school avoidance.
In addition to learning how to manage her own upset, she learned how to respond more supportively to Benji’s anxiety. Working together, we created a structured plan that progressively encouraged Benji to tolerate his anxiety while engaging in previously avoided activities.
One example: going to school for only 30 minutes in the counselor’s office to play games, followed by gradual increases in time spent in the classroom with the counselor, then with a paraprofessional, and finally by himself.
Dr. Timothy Schmutte offers advice for parents, and their children.
Coupled with similar activities at home in which he progressively spent more time outside of his comfort zone, within 4 months Benji was back in his classroom for full days, and enjoying play dates with friends. His parents had their first “date night” in years.
Sometimes parents also need separate therapy sessions to deal with their own challenges. A parent’s anxiety, depression, substance use or other mental health concerns can be triggered or worsened by a child’s challenges.
Diane — a C-suite executive whose son I had treated for OCD in the past — reached out to me for help with her anxiety, insomnia and growing irritability that began after a promotion.
Another client, Juan, consulted me because he was unsure what to tell his young children about his cancer diagnosis.
Kirstin was overwhelmed when her aging father became severely depressed. She worried about being there for him as well as her teenagers.
Parents need to take care of themselves, not only for their own well-being but for their families as well. Sometimes the demands of parenting can be so great we neglect our own care. The best parent is a healthy one.
So it’s common for parents of kids and teens with mental health issues to need support as well. Getting help as a parent can help you build useful skills to apply at home, and support the resilience you need to manage the challenges of parenting.
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