Melissa Bernstein Offers Hope For Anguish, Depression

In the toy industry, Melissa Bernstein is a rock star.

The world knows her as co-founder and chief creative officer — with her co-founder husband and fellow native Westporter — of Melissa & Doug. The $500 million company is legendary for its toys that encourage interactive, hands-on play, and spark the imagination of children in a way screens and high-tech never can.

Yet for most of her life, Melissa Bernstein did not even know herself.

She and Doug built the business from scratch. It was their idea, their execution, their 32 years of hard — yet very fulfilling — work.

Melissa Bernstein, with some of her creations.

They married in 1992. They have 6 accomplished children, ranging in age from 27 to 13. They built a beautiful home.

Yet all along — for as long as she can recall — Melissa lived with existential anguish and depression. It made her who she is.

And at times, it made her want to end her life.

Existential anguish and depression is not a DSM diagnosis. But her torment — a crisis of doubt and meaning — was frighteningly real. It was “the darkest nihilism. Life seemed absurd and futile.”

Her mother remembers Melissa screaming every day, for the first year of her life. It was not colic; these were terrifying shrieks. “I had no words or creative solutions to what I was feeling,” Melissa says.

Melissa and Doug Bernstein.

Melissa grew up with that pain. But she was creative too. She wrote verses, and was a musician. But in college, realizing she would never play professionally, she quit music cold turkey.

She sought solace in academic performance. Looking back, she says, that turn “took me out of my heart, and into my head.” She felt “completely and utterly worthless.”

It was a coping mechanism involving denial, resistance, avoidance and dissonance, Melissa realizes now.

She created a “perfect, fictitious world” in her head. She lived in that “blissful place, filled with imaginary friends,” for at least a decade.

To the outside world, Melissa projected a façade of perfection. She worked, volunteered with the Levitt Pavilion, Music Theater of Connecticut and July 4th fireworks. She ferried her children to every sport and activity. The biggest criticism of her as a parent, she says, was that she seemed “emotionless.”

Doug and Melissa Bernstein, with their 6 children.

“Part of my validation was being a martyr,” she says. “I had to put one foot in front of the other. I had to think of my kids before me.”

Doug did not have an inkling of what Melissa was going through. But neither did she.

“I couldn’t let this demon come up,” she notes. “If I did, it would have taken me down.”

Five years ago, Melissa began to “connect the dots in a profound way.” She was exhausted. “I wanted to stop racing. It’s hard to resist everything you feel and are,” she says.

She listened to podcasts like “The Good Life Project.” She read Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning.” She learned that “as humans, our number one motive is a search for meaning.”

Melissa says, “My heart stopped. With profound alacrity, I knew what I was afflicted with.”

The more she learned, the more she realized that highly creative people — Beethoven, Mozart, Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, Emily Dickinson, Hemingway — shared her anguish.

For the first time in her life, Melissa did not feel alone.

Understanding her hypersensitivity to “both the beauty of the world, and unbearable pain,” she cried for 3 days.

She had awakened a window into her soul. She came to terms that her creative blessing was also a curse.

Melissa Bernstein

All those verses she’d written; all the toys she’d developed — they were outward signs of who Melissa Bernstein is. Now, she knew, she had to accept internally who she is too.

She could not do it alone. With the help of therapist Loredana Trandu, she has learned to make sense of her life.

“My journey with her was arduous. It was the lowest I ever felt,” Melissa says. “But she was there every step of the way. She’d been to that spot. I wasn’t scared.”

Now, Melissa wants to help others.

First, she shared her story on Jonathan Fields’ “Good Life” project. Hundreds of listeners responded. Their words were soulful and heart-wrenching. One told Melissa, “you put words to what was ineffable and hidden.”

She emailed or called every one. She followed up in depth with nearly 100.

Now, she and Doug have developed LifeLines. An ecosystem — books, videos, podcasts, community — its goal is to “help frame those soul-searching questions that allow you to explore your authentic self and discover what makes you tick.”

Melissa Bernstein reads her “LifeLines” book.

LifeLines is based on 3 premises:

  • You are not alone
  • We all have the capacity to channel darkness into light
  • We will not find true fulfillment and peace until we look inward and accept ourselves.

Completely free — funded by the Bernsteins — it’s about to roll out nationally. Major media like the Washington Post, USA Today, People, Elle magazine and “Good Day New York” are covering LifeLines this week and next.

Westporter David Pogue airs a segment on “CBS Sunday Morning” this weekend (March 14).

David Pogue tapes a segment with Melissa Bernstein, in her Westport home.

LifeLines has become Melissa’s life. She has recorded nearly 3 dozen podcasts, and oversees every aspect of the project. Yet she still takes time each day to speak to individual men and women — people just like her, who feel the same overpowering existential anguish and depression.

Being on the national stage — and speaking to strangers — is important. But Melissa is our neighbor. Sometimes the hardest part of baring our souls is doing it to those who know us well.

The other day at a Staples basketball game, a woman looked away when they met. Then she said, “I’m so sorry.”

Melissa felt badly that the woman felt so uncomfortable.

“We need a huge education program,” she says. “We know what to say, and not say, when someone dies. Now we need a new national conversation on how to talk about mental health.”

It’s taken Melissa Bernstein her entire life to discover herself, and open that internal dialogue. Now, with LifeLines, she’s opening up to the world.

The chief creative officer of one of the world’s leading toy companies is playing for keeps.

(PS: On Thursday, March 18 at 7 p.m., the Westport Library hosts a conversation with Melissa — and me — about her journey. Click here to register.)

 

13 responses to “Melissa Bernstein Offers Hope For Anguish, Depression

  1. MS. Bernstein’s courage in sharing her difficult psychological journey is both awe inspiring and deeply moving…..who would have guessed?

  2. Great story Dan about one person’s great courage – imagine how many have read this today with their own anguish and it has already helped them? What a great program they are launching…

  3. Dorothy Robertshaw

    Dan thank you for all that you do first❤️ Fabulous article and Melissa thank you for sharing and bearing your soul , and helping the world be a better place of love and understanding …. and I am so happy you are at peace now …Looking forward to hearing the podcast 🙏🏼❤️👍 … I am sure as always David will be a wonderful host …Sincerely Dorothy Robertshaw

  4. Thank you Melissa (and Dan for sharing)! You are giving so many people a gift by sharing your journey and giving others access to resources and hope.

  5. Mercedes Escala

    Thanks for sharing Dan and Thank you Melissa for sharing your journey. It’s inspiring to see how you have embraced vulnerability and courage. Lifelines is a true gift.

  6. Patricia McMahon

    Thank you Melissa for being so candid, honest and vulnerable.
    Your personal journey and triumphs for those following you can give so many people hope who are dealing with similar issues .
    I’ll be tuning in Thursday with you and Dan.

  7. Thank you Melissa and Thank you Dan for this important post. Melissa you have changed lives already and will change and help many more.

  8. Thank you for your bravery Melissa. The more we share our common stories and experiences with depression and mental health the less alone people, adults and children alike, will feel. We are not alone in this journey, and we must be there for one another.

  9. Michael Nuzzo

    What an amazing, inspiring and important journey and so vital and brave to share it with others. I’m sure that Melissa has and will continue to positively impact the lives of hundreds if not thousands of people. My children always loved your toys and I love this story! Thank you Dan and Melissa for sharing.

  10. Pegeen Gaherin

    Thank you Melissa for exposing your vulnerability. It is a healing enterprise- mental illness is so stigmatized.

    I too have told my story of manic depression and a life long weight of shame was lifted.

    And to my surprise it was well received by family and friends.

    Dan thank you for sharing my story and Melissa’s. You are making the world a better place.
    ❤️

    Pegeen Gaherin

  11. David Squires (Staples '75)

    Powerful & Encouraging story from one of our lifelong locals!
    Thanks for sharing your story! I’m sure it will help shine a light on this
    very important issue!
    Thanks for posting Dan.

  12. Resilient, authentic, and vulnerable. Melissa your book (Pre-ordered) blew me away. Your story and life journey is both fascinating and frightening. You are an inspiration.

  13. this is so truly amazing, and thank you Melissa for sharing and Dan for bringing this.. The Trandu family is awesome, they are great people and perfect in what they do. there needs to be so much more of this…. the past 12-13 months have been crushing for kids in elementary, middle, high school and college. Their growing years in learning about themselves and developing their lives has gotten a really tough road block here. Depression and anxiety is real and if we can do more on a local level, i would be interested to help as well as many others. thanks for leading the way.

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