Delilah Berniker is a sophomore at Staples High School. She has lived in Westport since 2016.
She plays JV soccer and lacrosse; is a member of Student Council, an editor of the school’s Soundings literary magazine, and will soon be co-president of Circle of Friends, where she works with students with special needs. In her free time Delilah loves to draw, paint, take photos and write poetry.
She is also a very talented writer. Today, she says:
Unlike many Westport parents, mine did not pressure me about academics when I was younger.
Delilah Berniker
So when freshman year at Staples came along, I had no idea what I was getting into. It felt like everyone got a memo that I missed — the one that told them to “join as many clubs as possible,” add maximum “rigor” to their schedules, become president of a club by junior year, and at a bare minimum have at least the next 7 years of their life planned out by the time they turn 14.
Am I the only one who didn’t know high school is more about college than it is about high school?
While I don’t blame my parents, I feel naive for listening to them when they told my anxious middle school self “it will all work out,” and I should just go to sleep early.
Now, not only am I catching up on sleep, but I feel like I’m catching up on at least 2 years of intensive PSAT prep, creating new math proofs, publishing my latest philosophical theories, and starting a non-profit.
Don’t get me wrong: I love Staples, and I am invigorated by the different classes and clubs offered. My issue is not lacking interests, it’s having too many. Even after 2 years of scrambling for leadership roles and scribbling my name down on every club sign-up sheet, I still feel lost within the chaos of this high school marathon.
My classmates, painted as competitors, are all rushing to fill the idealistic mold of a college applicant: stacking extracurriculars, joining more clubs, and constantly wondering what more they should be doing. This pressure on our shoulders becomes increasingly heavier as we squish ourselves to fit the narrow definition of success now engraved in our brains.
It wasn’t until recently, as I approach the end of sophomore year, that I realized, within this race to build my perfect academic picture, I have lost sight of my interests.
In fact, I don’t think I’ve had the chance to fully discover them. I’ve been so overwhelmed with what others are doing and what everyone tells me I am supposed to be doing, I haven’t given myself enough room to think of other paths.
I realized I was doing the wrong things by trying to do the right things.
My name was on the roster for multiple clubs, my schedule was full, but I wasn’t invested in anything I was doing. In some cases (like mine) it takes a Debate Club meeting to realize that you may be in the wrong room — and you never wanted to be there in the first place.
A common misconception students have is that there is only one definition, or one path to success. What I’ve started to understand is that it is impossible to find success when you have yet to find passion.
When we focus so much on what we feel like we’re “supposed” to do in order to stand out, we end up following the same 2-dimensional checklist. In that process, we lose something deeper: the space to actually figure out what matters to us.
The truth is, the people who seem like they have everything figured out often don’t.
Declaring your future at 14 doesn’t mean you’ve discovered your passion — it often just means you’ve chosen a path that feels acceptable. I love art, writing, and everything creative, but I’ve been afraid to lean into that because “unless you’re applying to art school, it’s a waste of time.”
What will colleges think about art, and a literary magazine?
I’ve learned that the most valuable accomplishments are ones that stem from passion and consistency. What makes you stand out cannot solely live on an application in a maximum of 200 words. It exists in the things you care about enough to keep showing up for, even when they don’t “count.”
I know a certain amount of external expectations and pressure are necessary to push myself, but I will no longer fall victim to the assumption that there is only one way to succeed in high school.
In trying so hard to build something impressive, it is easy to forget to build something real. Focus on finding your passion, and the rest of the checklist will fill itself in from there.
Passion cannot be manufactured. And passion is never a waste of time.
(“Students Speak” is a regular “06880” feature. Any student living or studying in Westport or Weston can submit a piece. Email 06880blog@gmail.com. To support this local blog, click here.)
It sounds like she’s going to figure it all out and is well on her way to being a grown up. Kudos to her parent too. Too many kids graduate from college not knowing who they are because they let other student pressures/cultures shape them instead of following their passions.
Hooray! What I’ve discovered now that my kids are in their mid 20’s is that this “what I’m supposed to do” pressure continues well past Staples if you let it. “Find a job that pays a lot, meet the perfect partner, and stay on track or I’ll fall behind”. I’m the proud mom of happy kids – one who ski bummed and another who is pursuing her low paying passion. This author’s independence and clear head will carry her far, and kudos to her low pressure parents.
Love this article Delilah! It is all about finding your passion and being your authentic self. And enjoying your high school years with family & friends.
You have already demonstrated some wonderful wisdom in the observation of the environment around you. Your parents gave you room to breathe and find yourself, at your own pace. Success comes in many forms. You are absolutely correct that when you find YOUR passion, you will find YOUR success. JUST BE YOU.
Be yourself, everybody else is taken 🇺🇸
Oscar Wilde quote
Delilah,
You have a very busy schedule. Are any part of your activities a part of your passions or are they just a list of activities to get you into an excellent college?
Stop and smell the roses
I so agree, Delilah! Love your writing!
Delilah- good for you! You’re playing the long game -remember that. Life is actually quite long and you can change careers, passions and shift as life progresses. You are locked in to nothing.
Beautifully expressed. Passion leads to developing a sense of purpose and it’s so essential for all of us (not just kids in school) to discover what truly has meaning. High school should be about trying many things to see what you’re genuinely curious about and interested in.
Very great writing Delilah, gives a great insight into the world of high school students, I love the comparisons, very nice work.
Great essay Didi! So glad my lack of attention gave you inspiration – lol. You are and will continue to be so many wonderful things all in one person – never limit yourself to anyone else’s expectations.
I’d pay the school system to teach students like this. Retired 19 years ago.
Always have, am now, and always will be, so so proud of my granddaughter.
If I could have written with such clarity at 16 in 1964, I likely wouldn’t have been at such loggerheads with Alan Chalk over what I thought I was arguing in my senior AP English author review essay ! [Nikos Kazantzakis (Zorba The Greek).] (And I am sure this was re-written & re-written, which is how clarity of expression is achieved.)
1st General Advice: Use what you have written here for your “College Essay.” Just flip it on its head as an outcome piece: where I was to where I am now. If a college reader isn’t impressed, then that college may not be for you.
2nd General Advice: Chill & Experience — your flow into your True Passion(s) will emerge.
So, from one Soundings volunteer to another, have YOUR high school experience of choice these next two years. In the meantime, enjoy the summer!
Make love, not war.
Peace.
Times have changed; I actually had fun in high school and my mediocre grades reflected that. You don’t have to do all this extracurricular stuff to be successful in life. Good luck Delilah.
Kudos to you for realizing what it took me 40 years to discover! Pursuing someone else’s version of success can only lead to mediocrity. You are on the path to something bigger, and that is living a life aligned with what makes you feel alive.
It is refreshing to read how, a well educated young woman, see the world around her. Delilah seems to understand that life is beautiful and, while working hard, it is important to take time to enjoy family and friends.
“Life is what happens while you are busy making plans” Lennon pronounced. How about just doing what makes you have fun ignoring the parental/peer/college BS?……?????
CAS,
Got your message. I’ll call you over the weekend, on the road working today.
So well said and well written. I hope Delilah continues to do what she’s passionate about, and that will be her success story.