Westport parents don’t consider themselves tiger moms (or dads).
But — to mix metaphors — the pressure to live up to high standards is part of the ether here.
And — to mix them again — “there are a lot of very accomplished people here. Our kids swim in those waters. Even if the parents try to send a message that it’s okay” not to get all A’s, or be the captain of every team, “the kids interpret it that way.”
Dr. Timothy Schmutte
That’s Dr. Timothy Schmutte speaking. He’s a clinical psychologist who lives and practices in Westport, and an assistant professor of psychiatry at Yale School of Medicine. His research focuses on suicide prevention.
He knows these waters. And he is keenly aware how treacherous they can be.
With 2 sons at Staples High School — and having taken part in numerous PPTs, IEPs and 504 meetings — “Dr. Tim” appreciates the mental health providers and opportunities in the Westport Public Schools.
But he knows what they’re up against.
The downside of growing up in a high-powered, high-achieving, high-expectation town is that there is an expectation that it’s normal, and good, for everyone to be high-powered and high-achieving too.
It’s natural for parents to judge themselves — or at least their parenting skills — by the accomplishments of their kids.
But when parents sense a red flag — that there’s something different or worrisome in their child’s life — they may call Tim.
“They present as a very convincing image of the son or daughter most parents would want to have. So we talk about life,” he says of his meetings with teens. They open up about how over-committed they feel. Advanced Placement and Honors classes; at least one sport; SAT and other tutors; studying to be an EMT — “these kids are juggernauts,” he notes.
On the surface, they seem to hold it together well. But as Tim digs deeper, he sees that they feel “overwhelmed. Stretched too thin. They feel they can’t pull back anywhere.”
They’re not suicidal, he says. “But they wish they could wake up without facing the crushing burden of their day. There’s a sense of ‘I don’t want to — or I can’t — go on this way.'”
The psychologist calls the cycle of school/practice/staying up until 2 a.m. to finish homework/school again “lather, rinse, repeat.”
“They’re trapped on a treadmill, at the highest speed,” he adds. “And who knows for how long? They can’t take a break until at least they’re admitted to college.”
For many, it’s “all work and no play.” Even the extracurriculars that are supposed to bring joy are seen as one more activity to check off, on the long slog to college, and then a good job.
(Of course, those job worries are real too. The looming disruption of AI exacerbates those already fraught decisions about majors and careers.)
So where do today’s teenagers find joy?
“That’s one of the first questions I ask,” Tim says.
“There’s usually a pensive pause. They have to really think about how they relax.
“A lot of them say, ‘I go to my phone.’ But that’s often just another level of stress.”
Besides, he says, “a lot of them don’t think they have the time, or the permission, to unwind, take a break and get off the treadmill.
Tim may ask, “Would it be the worst thing in the world if you dropped your club sport to have more time to relax, and live a more diverse life?”
It’s a way of “inviting kids to consider their lives. It gives them permission to have a conversation with their parents” about slowing down.
He points to 3 teens who did just that. All 3 called it “a game-changer.”
Teenagers need time to chill. (Photo/Gara Morse)
Tim does not want to alarm parents. But, he says, they may want to ask themselves, “Is my child over-stretched? Do you believe if they’re not at the 99th percentile in everything, that it would be a catastrophic failure?”
He notes the irony of saying all this while working at Yale — one of the most prestigious universities in the country.
But, Tim says, “There are not a lot of shiny, happy people there.” He calls his own academic pedigree “humble. You don’t have to go somewhere great to have a great life. And there is not only one shot at a good life.”
Plenty of Westport students do not get into their first choice college — or even their second or third.
Often, he says, his patients are “pleasantly surprised how much they enjoy” wherever they end up.
“They think back to the craziness of their junior and senior years.” They call it “much ado about nothing.”
“As much as they struggled with ‘average excellence,’ they did not see their own accomplishments, or feel pride, because of the unrelenting standards everywhere. Now they realize how excessive and unnecessary it was.” They feel “a tremendous sense of relief.”
It would be nice for parents to realize that too, as their younger children go through the process. Or for graduates’ siblings and underclass friends to understand those epiphanies.
But, Tim says, that hyper-competitiveness is “still in the air and water, all around us.”
Of course, some families realize the importance of “taking the foot off the gas.” He cites 2 fathers of teen patients, who began seeing a therapist themselves, to talk about their own feelings of parenting, expectations and life in a pressure- cooker town.. (It’s more common for women to take that step, Tim says.)
Dr. Tim Schmutte offers this message to area parents: “If you have a sneaking suspicion or concern about the well-being of your child — or if you wonder if they’re doing too much, or are not their usual self — honor that thought. Put feelers out.”
And for Westport teenagers: “B+ or B okay. You can have an amazing life at a place that is not your #1 school.
“This is not the end of a great journey. It’s only the beginning.”
(“06880” reports often on life in Westport. We cover people of all ages — including teens. If you appreciate stories like this one, please click here to support our work. Thank you!)
Dr. Tim: it seems many families move here because of the outstanding school system—including the wide range of extracurricular activities offered. Is it possible, given what’s described above, that many parents would have made a better choice for their kids by moving somewhere else with a less intense and less competitive environment?
I ask this in part because very close friends were faced with this choice almost 30 years ago when Westport had more affordable homes and had not quite become the pressure cooker it is today.
The husband, who grew up in Westport, worked for a law firm in town and the wife, who grew up in the Midwest and then Wilton, worked as a corporate in-house attorney in Danbury.
Notwithstanding my offer to coach their kids in soccer🙂 here in Westport, they chose to live in Newtown precisely because they thought it offered more economic diversity and a more normal atmosphere for their kids.
The kids both ended up at excellent colleges and graduate school.
Or, do you think in this day and age, it’s very difficult to escape the college rat race no matter where you live? Thanks.
Hi Fred, thanks for the comment and question. I get the sense that it’s hard to find a US zip code where one can avoid the achievement pressure + limited downtime + comparison culture. There have been various societal and economic shifts in recent decades, with of course the internet/social media playing a prominent role in people not feeling _____ enough. Here’s an interesting article on the rise of perfectionism and pressure to succeed.
Sorry, here’s the link to the article.
https://www.apa.org/monitor/2024/10/antidote-achievement-culture#:~:text=Wallace%20included%20the%20data%20in,’%E2%80%9D
Thanks!
One thing not mentioned is social media. My suggestion is zero social media! None- no facebook, no X, no nothing. Here’s another observation of mine. People under 25 with no tattoos seem to me to be in the “special category.” And my third thought is young people don’t seem to attend church anymore. Find me a 20 year old with no tattoos, no social media and a church goer, and you have a wonderful person. You have found a confident person.
I know a 23 year old female who’s a college grad, no tattoos and a church goer. She has no social media and works three jobs. She’s a waitress, a TV intern and teaches fitness classes. Anyone want a date?
Jack, my wife would kill me.
Eric, She saved my wife’s life. It’s too much to write and it’s off topic, but if you want to know the story , call me.
I’m finding that a lot of young people are finding knitting and crocheting a way to unwind and take some time away from the pressure cooker. I would love to get them together to be able to hang out at a table together while they knit or crochet to chat and relax together. While crafting they are not on social media, while they will show off their finished projects on social media, they are finding a healthy way to take care of their mental health and unwind a bit! It also gets their creative juices flowing and, if they want to, it’s often something they can get the whole family into.
This article hit all the right spots. Unfortunately it’s similar to trying to tell teenage girls “you look terrific as you are”when every ad is telling them to be thin and beautiful
In this competitive Westport world kids and their parents
believe their children must be best.
Just look at the houses they live in and the cars they drive
We live in a compare compare society
This attitude about how difficult it is to be a child in Westport, made me recall the words of the quotable late basketball coach Abe Lemons.
Digger Phelps had been talking about all the pressure on 18- and 19-year-old athletes playing for Notre Dame, to which Lemons replied, “I bet that an 18 year old Marine with his face down in the sand, under fire at Iwo Jima was thinking to himself, ‘Gee, I’m glad I’m not a freshman at Notre Dame.'”
Always easy to spot the childless ones
I think he’s saying Westport should be building more ball fields and outdoor bball courts built 🙂
Actually, it is easier to tell the people who didn’t grow up in privilege. They don’t fetishize “burdens”.
You constantly act as if not having children makes one less worthy in our society. (You’ve previously said we shouldn’t have a say in how our taxes are spent.) It’s pretty weird, when the child-free are the one’s subsidizing your personal choices.
Brother, my father was first generation off the boat, first Loffredo to go to college. I wouldn’t expect you to know that, but privileged we were not.
I do find it odd that while I’m mostly in line with your posts about most things, but you venture into areas where you have zero experience.
Yes, I think having a kid in the Westport schools should be a qualification to be on the Board of Ed. It’s invaluable to have little insiders tell you things like “KHS smells like mold”, or “were these trailer classrooms here when you were a kid”.
And since this thread is about raising kids in a pressure filled 06680 world, I’ll take my three against your zero and once again question why you’re taking the time to post some bullshit generic quote.
Happy Thanksgiving
Great article! I felt a lot of pressure in 1979 when I graduated Staples. It took me a few years to come to grips that I went to a “State” School. I can imagine the standards are much worse now. My niece graduated St Joe’s High in 2008. Her best friend was the Salutatorion there, in clubs and volunteered in Central America to build bathrooms … she STILL didn’t get into John’s Hopkins! Lot’s of pressure to do excellence now even more! I wish kids could enjoy their childhoods more like we did. ❤️
Diana: that’s interesting to hear about the pressure you felt in 1979 because just eight years earlier—Dan’s graduating class and mine—it was a completely different situation (at least in my circle of friends). For one thing, I don’t recall parents being involved.
Years later I asked my mom: how did she and my dad just stand by while I applied to only four schools (which, in hindsight, was not good judgment on my part). Her response was that I was lazy when it came to college applications and it was my choice in terms of which schools I ultimately picked.
I think this article misses the bigger picture.
Growing up in Westport is as idyllic in 2025 as it was for me in the 70’s, which is why I returned to raise a family here. Yea different people, different stores (no more Fur, Fin & Feather), but still pretty great.
The median sales price of a Westport home is now $2M, vs. $415K nationally.
If you’re a kid heading off to college, in the back of your mind many wonder if they can ever afford to live in place like this as an adult, let alone this place. Ask them, they’ll tell you.
Very short list of jobs that provide the $$ needed to buy into the 06880 these days, and it only gets more expensive every year.
Turns out, there are a ton of incredible places around this amazing country to plant your flag. Townies aside. I hope these kids leave the northeast for college, realize the World doesn’t end at the Hudson River, and find a path that’s right for each of them.
Growing up in the city my parents were happy if we didn’t end up in jail. 5 out of 6 ain’t bad I would think.