Kyle Martino has done — and seen — it all in the soccer world.
He’s been 1999 National High School Soccer Player of the Year at Staples High School; MLS Rookie of the Year with the Columbus Crew; David Beckham’s teammate on the Los Angeles Galaxy, and a US national team athlete.
After retiring, Kyle pivoted to broadcasting. He was a noted Premier League analyst for NBC Sports; now he covers the US men’s and women’s teams for TNT and HBO Max.
Besides all that he founded the Over Under Initiative and Goalpher, a pop-up goal that turns basketball courts into mini-soccer fields. Both projects bring the sport to under-served communities.
Oh, yeah: He also owns Football Café, a “soccer-themed speakeasy” in New York.
So when Kyle Martino warns us about the state of youth soccer, we should all pay attention.
He recently wrote a lengthy — and sobering — story about the experiences of his 8-year-old daughter Marlowe, and 6-year-old son Major. (He and his ex-wife, actress Eva Amurri, share co-parenting duties. Eva lives full-time in Westport; Kyle spends a lot of time here.)
This is must reading for any parent — and anyone concerned about the world of youth sports today. Kyle writes:
Let me tell you a story about a brother and a sister. Both found themselves in love with The Beautiful Game, but their path to that love and the outcome was very different.
Kyle Martino, with the US national team.
Both of them knew their dad was a former professional soccer player who loved the sport deeply. This fact had little influence on their desire or curiosity to peruse the game, which probably had more to do with my reluctance to push the sport on them.
Marlowe began her relationship with the sport with local organized soccer. Fun and casual practice once a week, with a game day on the weekend. She loved playing. She definitely inherited my competitive side, but seemed to gravitate towards the social side of the game. Loved laughing with her friends and sharing moments on the field together.
Her relationship with the game changed dramatically with the first big transition. Her friends were trying out for the prestigious “club” team, and she was distraught thinking about not getting to play with them anymore. She was turning 8.
Major couldn’t care less about soccer. He definitely has my obsessive side but that instrument was pointed directly at dancing. He saw “Newsies” and never looked back. He needed no encouragement or advice; he sought out all things dance. Eva and I followed his lead.
Until one day Eva called me and said. “what did you do to Major?” Terrified I sent him home with a black eye or something I didn’t notice, I simply said, “what do you mean?”
Eva told me that since he came home from watching a World Cup game at Football Café, packed with adults enjoying something together in a way he’s never witnessed, Major was infected. All he wanted to do was watch highlights and go into the backyard to mimic the moves.
Major Martino: great form! (Photo courtesy of Instagram)
He spent hours setting up chairs, or any yard objects he could find, to dress the field with players to go against. His love for the game grew each day, as did his skill. It was amazing to watch.
It was exactly how I was, except without an on-demand window into the global database of world football on his iPad. I used to steal VHS tapes of old games from my Dutch neighbor. Major is 6
This is where the story takes a sad turn. As Major turned everything he could find into a defender, and any unoccupied space into a stadium, his relationship with the game grew bigger and deeper.
At the same time, Marlowe’s love for the game was in real jeopardy. She tried out for that team her friends joined, and made it. That moment marked the slow deterioration of her enjoyment playing soccer.
Practices became more frequent, distances to games longer, time with the ball shorter, pressure larger, parents louder, and the smiles scarcer. I could list endless things I couldn’t believe I was seeing, like the kids standing on their own for 20 minutes in the 28-degree cold while the coach set up the expensive camera/GPS equipment the club purchased to demonstrate the enormous fees parents paid were being put to good use. I have 20 examples of stuff like this.
Each week that passed, Marlowe fell more out of love with soccer. Until the day came when we told her she didn’t have to play if she didn’t want to. She was relieved. We were heartbroken.
Marlowe Martino. (Photo courtesy of Instagram)
Meanwhile Major’s love for the game and ability with the ball, deriving from self- play and pickup with whoever would join, compounded every week. Each day he loves soccer more than the last. It’s beautiful.
I’ll never forget when I was running for president of US Soccer (the national governing body). During a workshop I held to create a progress plan to change the game, Mia Hamm said, “There is a huge crisis at the moment we need to address, and it’s that the kids aren’t having fun anymore.”
The room was silent after she said it. She was coaching a girls team in California, so she had a front row seat. I never realized how right she was until I watched what happened to Marlowe.
This is not an anti-organized soccer rant. Far from it. I am so impressed with the many ways the soccer landscape has improved in this country. There is much to be proud of and excited by.
This is an attempt to once again raise an issue of consequence that should concern all who love this game, and want its gift to be felt and cherished by as many as possible. We must stop professionalizing, specializing and overpricing sport for young kids.
Soccer is the number one sport in the world because it takes very little to play it, and costs nothing to love it. We are artificially making scarce one of the most abundant commodities on the planet. The joy soccer provides is the air you breathe, not the gold you buy.
Let them breathe. Let them play.
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If left unchecked adults especially coaches and zealot parents can ruin soccer for children!
Kyle: well said and naturally I agree with you 100%. I have never understood how the purported key to kids becoming better soccer players—or better players in any sport for that matter—is to play a bunch of organized games against kids who are in the exact same age group.
Some of my most enjoyable (and truly invaluable in terms of my development) soccer experiences were all the pick-up soccer games we did in the summers more than a half century ago—and there was a wide age range.
I have to agree! In our experience very over involved parents ruined much of the fun the kids were having in all the sports our kids got involved in. They also ruined it for those of us parents, who were involved, but focused more on helping the kids have fun while learning and improving their sportsmanship as well as their techniques and skills including strategy.
Of course, it’s always more fun when your team wins, but even if your team looses, there is plenty of fun to be had, even with organized sports, as long as the parents don’t get in the way and let the kids figure some of it out for themselves. Our kids played multiple sports and did ok overall, soccer was included for all three of them. They eventually narrowed down their sports from softball, baseball, soccer, swimming, basketball, tennis, volleyball, and a bit of horseback riding and field hockey to soccer, basketball and tennis. All the while we let them drive their own decisions of what sports to play and how competitive a team they wanted to play on.
They eventually each decided later on in high school to focus all their energies on tennis to be the best they could be individually while still feeling they were part of a team. We were lucky because they all went on to play college tennis to different extents and still play recreationally today as young adults. Personally, I’m happy they chose a sport they can continue to enjoy forever in their lives. We always knew that no matter how well they played while younger very few of our kids and their friends, if any, would end up making sports their professional lives. We always stressed to them to only play the sport while they were enjoying it. If the stopped enjoying it, there was no need to continue. The only thing we required of them was if they played they had to commit to the entire season so they wouldn’t let down their teammates and coaches during the season.
As a soccer ref who’s worked more than 1200 games locally … all I can say is “Amen.” Before each game, I tell the kids to “Play the whistle, play the ball and have fun.”
Thank you for this article. Couldn’t agree more. Travel teams start way too early in my opinion. Kids age 6 and 7 are not ready to commit. My daughter burned out of soccer as well. At 9 she said I like soccer but don’t want it to be like this!
As long as athletics offer a back door into elite colleges, certain parents will obsess over their children’s sports performance to the detriment of their own children and all the other participants. You could write this same story about lacrosse, rowing, squash, fencing, etc. And in fact, many have.
My exact same thought!
Left to their own devices, kids will have fun. Left to their own devices, parents will find a way to turn kids having fun into the proverbial rat race. The key is balance between parental oversight and parental overbearing.
Hardly surprising when US Soccer is like a dead fish i.e. it stinks from the head down. The fact the parent’s of a USMNT member, who thought their son wasn’t getting enough playing time at the last Qatar World Cup, tried to get the coach fired sums up all that is wrong with soccer in this country.
US Soccer needs to clean house all the way down to the lower leagues and the sooner it does it with less parent involvement the better.
This seems like a perfect place to publicly ask Westport Soccer Association’s surpassing volunteers to recreate the solution to Kyle’s piece. Every off season Saturday morning 10am there was a continuous WSA All Ages Game for Westport’s entire community to enjoy 2005 to 2016. Here is a blurb describing what several regulars said was their favorite soccer format, simply neighbors kicking the ball around.
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….. this super-fun pickup soccer game is geared to ALL AGES (5 to 80) whether you are elite, travel, rec, aspiring, first timer or former players of any stripe, get off the couch! and onto the pitch! YOU are welcomed, encouraged and beseeched to play, laugh, run, pass, dribble, tackle and shoot in a gently facilitated pickup game.
Players do their own talking and self motivating with no coaching, please! Parents, get IN the game, OR watch ’em play, OR enjoy a walk around the park, OR leave your children under the supervision of an adult who is present, as this is not a dropoff situation. We play IN PERFECT SOCCER WEATHER (less than 4 inches of snow, temps above freezing and tolerable wind.)
All players should bring BOTH a white jersey and a dark jersey, cleats, shinguards, extra water and a great attitude for this #all-time-favorite-off-season-home-town-soccer-game.
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Family and friends gathering together in a love affair playing and watching soccer renews everything.
Alex Anvari
Correction I think we played WSA All Ages Games 2005 into 2020 then Covid got in the way. It’s time for a stellar volunteer to bring the whole community back onto the pitch!
Alex I love all you do and have done for the game. The one time my then middle schooler when to play at the pick up game they never passed to her. She was good, but until everyone would make a point to be all in on letting everyone touch the ball, it was not as satisfyingly fun for her personally. Food for thought in the future:)
Hi Kyle, couldn’t agree more. In fact, I agree so much, you are literally describing the plot of my book The Ultimate Goal, which I discussed with Dan (along with some of my other books on youth sports) on his podcast a few months back. I would love to send you a copy, if you’d like one for yourself or your kids please reach out to me at tgreenwald@spotnyc.com. My best, Tg
We have lost our way with youth sports and why sports were developed in the first place. Now money, tourism, college acceptances, and specialization have changed the landscape and the motivation. There is a nonprofit trying to tackle this problem. https://www.incourage.com Maybe Westport Together, Dan, Kyle, and the Library could bring the conversation to WPT.