An alert “06880” reader received this from former area resident Bruce Wigder, and passed it along. We’re not sure who wrote it, or if it’s been published before — but no matter where it came from, it resonates.
August 15. Moved to our new home in Connecticut. It’s so beautiful here. The lake to the north looks so majestic. I can hardly wait to see it snow covered. I’m going to love it here!
Beautiful Connecticut
October 14. Connecticut is definitely the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the park and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!
October 25. Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous animal. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here. Those red and orange leaves have covered my yard. Looks like a magnificent multi-colored carpet. How beautiful! Raking and cleaning up the yard will be an opportunity for invigorating exercise in the cool crisp air.
November 1. Ah, more leaves and more exercise.
November 8. Jesus, still more leaves. Guess it’s best to wait until they’ve all fallen before I rake again.
November 15. Finally, all of the trees lost their leaves and with today’s final raking it’s over for this season. Chiropractor suggested I use a lawn maintenance service next year. Only four blisters became infected. Should probably remember to use gloves.
November 30. What the f–k? Where did all of those leaves come from? Had a little wind last night and the lawn is covered again. Oh well, they’ll just have to wait until spring.
Beautiful Connecticut
December 12. It snowed last night, finally. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. Had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snowplow came by we had to shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Connecticut !
December 14. More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick to the driveway again. I love it here.
December 19. More snow again last night. Can’t get out of the driveway. Can’t get to work. I’m exhausted from shoveling. Goddamn snowplow.
December 22. More of that white shit fell again last night. As if dealing with the leaves weren’t bad enough, now I’ve got blisters all over my hands from shoveling. Must remember to wear gloves. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I’m finished shoveling the driveway.
December 25. Merry F–king Christmas. More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the !@#$%^ ice.
December 27. More white crap last night. Have been inside for 3 days except for shoveling out the driveway after that plow goes through every time. Damn gloves got wet and then froze on my hands. Doctor said it was just a mild case of frostbite, disfiguration is probably only temporary. Can’t go anywhere, car is stuck in a mountain of white. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?
January 4. Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back I hit a deer that ran in front of my car. Did about $3000 damage. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.
May 3. Took the car to the garage in town. The thing is rusting out from all the f–king salt they put all over the roads.
May 10. Moved to Sarasota, Florida. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that God-forsaken state of Connecticut.
Beautiful Florida
That’s been going around Facebook- as Massachusetts. I’ve never seen the replacement for CT.
I guess all NE is interchangable this year.
Ditto — heard about it already…but Pennsylvania.
I thought my late lamented mother was the only person who ever called it white shit. Dump it in the sound I say!!!!!
Pick a random sentence from this, put quotes around and run it through Google, and you’ll find all sorts of versions of it, variously attached to New Hampshire, New Jersey and other states, as noted above. So as you suspected, it’s not original. But it’s still hilariously accurate!
I replied to the person who sent it to me (yes, with “Connecticut” in the piece) and said, “But I don’t want to move to Florida!” So there are those of us who stay with all this white stuff and know that Spring Is Coming. Didn’t Punxsutawney Phil not see his shadow, so we know that the end of winter is right around the corner?
After the snow melts, you will still have high taxes and a stagnant economy. Florida has no income taxes and no estate taxes. Best to establish Florida residence, and live in CT for the few months the weather is decent.