I like to start the week off with an uplifting, inspiring story.
This one is different. It’s more like “let’s look at ourselves in the mirror.”
A neighbor who asked to be identified by her middle name — Alexandra — writes:
Moving to Westport several years ago from New York City, I assumed it would be easy meeting other new moms. I used to sit with my stroller in the park there, and meet others all the time.
But meeting new friends since moving here has been anything but easy, even before the pandemic hit.
I was told it gets easier once kids are in school. But not with a pandemic. We aren’t allowed into the building, and the friendliness of some of the moms are in question.
In the fall, my 4-year old would take too long to get his mask on at drop-off. I was often honked at or given the look of death by other moms for being too slow.
As we all sit enclosed in our cars for an hour at the pick-up line, I wonder: Do other moms feel this lonely?
I’ve tried it all: baby/toddler groups, classes, play dates. For various reasons, the last play date would make any sane person not want to try one with strangers again. And the “new mom” groups felt too cliquey.
Sure, I’ve met some moms at playgrounds. I even made a friendship that way. But dates with her turned out to be hours of her complaints. She blamed her problems on living in Fairfield County, and eventually moved away.
Kids love playgrounds. But some moms find them lonely.
Then there was the mom I met at a playground who moved from the Bronx. It was the best conversation with a mom I had all year. We talked for an hour about great pizza, good food and how hard it was to meet a new friend in this area.
She told me her own horror stories about mom groups. At the end of our talk I thought we should exchange numbers. But she said, “Just stay alone. Stick to yourself. It is much better. Trust me.”
Her words echoed often, as I tried again to meet a new friend. My desperation made me turn to Facebook. In a mom group I crafted a post stating how hard it is to meet others.
But in the end I felt embarrassed. Who wants to publicize they lost their job years ago, have been home ever since, and though they love being a mom more than anything, it can get lonely as heck sometimes?
So I searched. Did other new moms here have this same problem?
It turns out someone posted about this once in a group. She got 163 responses. Surely I am not alone in this lonesome boat.
When all efforts failed, I’d repeat that mom’s words — “it’s better to be alone” — and remind myself that my loner existence has its perks.
It wasn’t always this way. I used to have a lot of friends. I assumed they would all always be there — just like my mom’s friends she met when I was little. They all still get together, in their late 70s.
But life gets in the way for people. Some friends have faded away over time. I find myself thinking that anyone who has a truly good friend for a lifetime doesn’t know how lucky they are.
Alexandra’s son.
In late February of 2020, I felt especially beaten down, leaving a playground after attempting to chat with a group of moms who weren’t too friendly.
Little did I know, in a matter of days our country would shut down. My world would feel even smaller. Meeting new people became impossible.
I walked my toddler down Main Street. He suddenly bolted from my hand. He ran at lightning speed, almost cutting a lady off. He fell and cried hysterically. The lady came up to me. I assumed she would tell me to get better control of my kid. I apologized that he got close to her.
But this kind woman just wanted to make sure he was okay. Luckily he was, but still crying. She led us to a bench and told me to wait a few minutes.
She returned with 2 huge hot chocolates with whipped cream. She was the cheeriest person I’d seen in ages. She handed me a chocolate bar and says, “chocolate makes everything better.”
She declined my offer of cash, and said, “It gets easier once they’re older.” In a flash, she was gone.
She was right. It does get easier once they’re older. But this kind stranger did not realize what she also taught me that day. It’s something I think about 2 years later. There are nice moms out there.
Hopefully when life gets better in springtime, I can meet one.
All it takes is one.